Almost a Year

It's almost been a year. A full year since it happened. Since the morning I woke up and felt like something wasn't right. Since my shaky hand shoved the phone in his face and said, "Is there something you want to tell me!" Since my whole world changed. Since I no longer felt like I was on the right track in life. Since I felt like I had a partner to walk through parenthood, who am I kidding, LIFE with. 

It's been hard this past week. Really hard. I fear everyone is tired of supporting me. And there has been some really good support, but there has also been plenty of not so good support. The kind that just fizzles away or gives odd/weird/not helpful at all advice. It's never easy to hear that last bit of advice. 

I cry still. I cry a lot more than I would like still. And that makes me mad. Just mad that everything still hurts. That everything is not okay. That I don't know that it will every be okay. It's so tough, but so hard to communicate to anyone how/what I'm feeling. I don't want to relate with someone going through the same thing, because are they going through the same thing even?? Most likely not. Sure there would be similarities, but in the end it wouldn't be the same and I am a shoulder. So I feel like I would just support when I REALLY could use the support.

I was at such a tough spot already, a year ago. Still reeling from PPD with my youngest. Wondering each day if that was going to be the day that I decided I didn't want to do it anymore. Life that is. I didn't have exact thoughts of ending it all, but it did get pretty dark. I was anxious. All the time. Never felt like I could enjoy anything. ANYTHING. Not even my baby. Or my 5 year old. Nothing. I worked out all the time. I walked non-stop. I did everything I was "supposed" to do to feel better. I was just starting to watch the fog lift, just starting to see that there was a light at the end of that long tunnel, when it all came crashing down again. 

This last year has been hard. Life changing, obviously. Just don't know when Diana will "get her groove back." I always feel lost. I never feel quite like I've got it. I feel overwhelmed 96% of the time. I feel unloved 89% of the time. I feel alone 100% of the time. Just a hard season of life, I keep telling myself.

Some days are good, some days not so good. I have a hard time going to sleep because I don't want to face the next day all the time. I remember these feelings from PPD, and the early days of this year. I had no idea they were going to return. 

I think that's one of the hardest parts. Feeling like I've grown and moved past certain feelings, only to have them come up again and flood me all over, again. Who am I kidding, I don't know that any of this is easy.

But, even after this long drawn out post, I can still say, "I made it a year."